The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Mick!!

Men Can Fix Anything!

You have to admit some of these fixes are pretty genius...

...compared to a monkey lol.

This is one of my favorites. I can't really explain why.

Cool Test

This is a pretty cool test, check it out.
This test is based on how cool you were in High School-
-what crowd you ran with, etc.
It's pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.
LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE A COOL PERSON:

Props to sailinganarchy.com

Little Old Lady in Court

Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.

Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Attorney:

Did you know him?

Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Attorney:

What happened next?

Old Lady:

He began to rub all over of my body.

Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Attorney:

Why not?

Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Attorney:

What happened next?

Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man.. Take me now!"

Attorney:

Did he take you?

Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little stinker!

Asking Too Much of Man's Best Friend

Sometimes we ask too
much of our best friends.

Coke vs. Water

I am not sure the fact in this email are true, but I have heard them before.

WATER

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population)


2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.


3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.


4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.


5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.


6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.


7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.


8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79% and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?

COKE

1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.


2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.


3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the 'real thing' sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.


4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.


5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.


6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.


7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.


8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION

1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.


2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (the concentrate) the commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.


3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would you like a glass of water or Coke?

Another Problem Caused Deforestation

Never Argue With a Women

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.